Written by Christina Karas
November 18, 2024
Christina is an OCCM member studying at the
University of Florida
It is known that philosophy lectures, church sermons, and online podcasts nurture self-growth and produce virtues; but it is experience and experience alone that can put this to the test. Without putting our knowledge to the test through difficult circumstances, we have not really practiced nor embraced virtue, and therefore, our character has not developed at all. As C.S. Lewis beautifully puts it, “Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” With the start of undergrad, we are challenged with balancing character and ambition. Strive for virtue or strive for perfection? Be too ambitious and forget to have a life? Or be too busy with friends, and compromise your studying a little? Well, I did the former.
As my first year in college came about, I was really adamant about studying day and night, cutting down my sleep, and doing whatever it took to score well. All I saw was grades, and sadly, all my friends at the time saw in me were also grades. After a lot of anguish and discontentment, I started to realize that cramming four sciences in one semester was not worth it. While I did very well on my exams, I quickly lost hope and motivation by the time finals came about. I realized that the fuel and energy from serving in summer camp while also surrounding myself with amazing individuals were the core reasons for my survival that long. And with that thought, I realized that ambition must be balanced with character. Before that balance came about, my first semester saw so many food bills and late-night runs to McDonald's, thinking that if I just ate away my feelings while studying, I would have gained some motivation to pull the all-nighter. Then? Freshman 15! Little did I know how fleeting that would be until I started committing to OCCM.
This first semester made me realize my absence of character and lack of virtue when continuous nourishment is lacking. Looking in retrospect three years later, I have learned that only a balanced life can lead to a truly prosperous career; one that starts by self-possession in the face of all circumstances. One such balanced life has two pillars: communion and community. Aided by the hidden, discreet grace I get from communion but seldom acknowledge, my self-growth started coming about from getting closer to the church youth and investing more time and energy into friendship: They, in their exceeding love and virtue, allowed me into their lives even as my weakness and brokenness came to light - even as I hurt them with my lack of virtue, my insensitivity, my unawareness of boundaries, my over-demanding and over-controlling character (all traits of a girl who never knew herself while blindly pursuing ambition for years). I am blessed and grateful to say that they knew healthy boundaries, boundaries that as a beautiful priest puts it, “don’t push people apart, but bring them even closer” [1]. They knew how to love me while keeping me in check so that whenever I hurt them, they would gently and indirectly point to what I did wrong - where virtue was lacking. In a recent Australia convention with Anba Basil, His Grace said that “teaching is an act of mercy” [2]. And I now see that it’s hardest between two friends, best done indirectly without awkwardness or confrontation or blunt statements to preserve the mutual love and respect: David and Jonathan!
What is a true friend but one that, like water, takes upon itself the “filth and dirt of whatever it comes into contact with?” (Elements, by a Priest of the Oriental Church). What is a true friend but one that, as Titus chapter 1 says, cares enough to stay close to you when you are weak, cares enough to indirectly rub off on you and guide you closer to your true self, the self that is naturally receptive to virtue as Aristotle says? I played pretentious, I passed on judgment, I gossiped with them, and they - very subtly - looked down and let it pass into one ear and out the other. No weirdness, no awkwardness, but a very gentle look of discontentment and avoidance of subject, that’s how they guided me. They loved me through and through, even when I exaggerated every small matter and doubted their love. What I did is common with people who lack self-awareness, people who are so lost with school and ambition and distractions that in their insecurity, they start doubting and hurting those who love them the most. They say people are hurt the most by their closest friends, and I now understand. Innermost depravity can come at great cost, hurting everyone we come close to.
Floridians are the toughest people; they know what a streak of hurricane warnings feels like. They know a good storm when they see one. It takes a storm to calm the whirlwind in our minds, soften our hardened hearts, and bring us about to a position where we are so vulnerable, receptive and bare-skinned that our true inner selves come out. Under a hurricane warning, you lock in and sit alone with yourself for once, like it or not. You then realize the good, the bad, and the ugly you’ve done. Simple, but hard. Like Fr. Anthony Mourad says, people don’t complain that Christianity is complicated or confusing. They complain that it’s hard. It’s simple, but hard. My storm was a semester of disgruntlement, agony, and daily anguish, but it made me more receptive and self-aware so that moving forward, I wouldn’t need a storm just as large in order to grow.
If there’s anything I hope you take away from this read, it’s that every friend has an ugly side, and you’re no better if you see the ugly side and walk away. Would God put you there if He had not given you every grace and virtue needed to serve that person? With every crazy Sunday school kid you meet, Tasoni Laura (CopticDadandMom.com) would say you were only called to love. Please be one less mentor, one less Egyptian hammer, one less critical and judgmental face before that person. That person will change and be at your service, but only after you love them and earn their trust. Remember to look for the Christ in them, because they are the talents in your life, so don’t leave the talents and go away like the unwise steward. The Christ in them is every little good thing in them that you can appreciate and adopt. After you love them, you won’t even need to correct them. They’ll see you hide your face and lose your smile from a small behavior of theirs, and immediately they’ll work on it. Because your love melts them. Because your love reminds them that there’s still good in them. Because your love reminds them that you must have met Christ, and that they can meet Him too. You’re looking at Christ and they’re looking at you looking at Christ, until suddenly they come and body slam you! Carrying you on their shoulders for life to come. But a lotta body slams. Recipe for disaster!
Recommended on the subject:
Inner voice of love by Father Henri Nouwen (only 50 pages! very relatable in college)
Mighty Soundclouds -
Rituals to Relationship parts 1 and 2, by St.Cyril Grads (see it as relationship with yourself, not just with God)
Fr. Augustine Ibrahim Friends Forsaking Friendship by StMonicaCopts (boundaries mentioned so beautifully here) [1]
His Grace Bishop Basil Yesterday, Today, Forever Parts 2 and 3 by Upper Room Media [2]
St. Augustine Autopsy What Strayed Him by StMonicaCopts (balancing character and ambition was elaborated on here)
Fr. Antony Paul Who Are You by Upper Room Media
Fr. Anthony Mourad To know yourself is to know God Bits Retreat 2023 by St. Pishoy Fellowship
His Eminence Metropolitan Youssef The Servant and Emotional Maturity (what lack of character does to a servant)